Učenje

Otvorim skriptu, kad ono dlaka i meni se zgadi.

Samo je jedna mama

Učiteljica je učenicima zadala pismeni sastav pod imenom Samo je jedna mama.Mali Ivica je napisal: Kad sam došel doma na dvorištu sam videl tatu kak se ljubi sa novom susjedom,ušel sam u kuću a u dnevnom boravku se moja starija sestra igrala kamenog lica s petoricom prijatelja.To mi je sve bilo normalno pa sam krenul u svoju sobu kad čujem da me zove mama iz spavaće sobe,kad sam ušel videl sam mamu u krevetu s dva susjeda.Mama mi je rekla:Ivice donesi nam tri pive iz frižidera.Odma sam otišel do frižidera i kad sam ga otvoril videl da je samo jedna piva i viknem SAMO JE JEDNA MAMA.

Lipstick

<u><b>Lipstick</b></u> According to a news report, Golden Grove high school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out along-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Priceless! Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. <i>There are teachers....and then there are educators.</i>

STIMULATION

<b><u>STIMULATION </u></b> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class: - Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said: - You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you! With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: - Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her: - Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble! The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class: - Anybody? Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said: - The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. Mrs. Parks said: - Very good, Billy,…. - then turned to Mary and continued - ….as for you, young lady, I have three things to say; one, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework assignment, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

How to go to Heaven

<u><b>How to go to Heaven</b></u> A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked them: - If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven? - NO! - the children answered. - If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven? Again, the answer was: - NO! - Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven? - she asked them again. Again, they all answered: - NOOO! She continued: - Then, how can I get into Heaven? A six-year-old boy shouted out: - YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!

Japanac zna sve

Prvi školski dan u jednoj američkoj srednjoj školi. Učiteljica predstavlja novog učenika Hakira Suzukija iz Japana. Počinje sat i nastavnica ispituje:"Sada ćemo vidjeti koliko poznajete američku povijest. Tko je rekao "Slobodu ili smrt?" Odjednom tišina i samo Suzuki digne ruku:"Patrick Henry godine 1775. u Philadelphii" "Vrlo dobro Suzuki. A tko je rekao: "Država je narod i kao takva nesmije nikada umrijeti?" Suzuki ustane: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863. u Washingtonu." Nastavnica strogo pogleda učenike pa reče: "Sramite se! Suzuki je Japanac pa poznaje američku povijest bolje od vas." Tihi glas iz kraja razreda: "Jebite se, posrani Japanci!" "Ko je to rekao?", vikne učiteljica.Suzuki digne ruku i reče: "General MacArthur, 1942. na Guadalcanalu, i Lee Iacocca 1982. na skupštini dioničara Chryslera, Detroit." Razred je u tišini - samo se iz pozadine čuje: "Puši kurac!" Učiteljica sva izvan sebe: "Sad je kraj. Tko je to rekao?" Suzuki:"Bill Clinton Monici Levinsky, Oval office, 1997. u Washingtonu." Drugi učenik se prodere: "Suzuki je govno!" Suzuki: "Valentino Rossi u Rio de Janeiru na moto Grand-Prix Brazila2002." Razred pada u histeriju, učiteljica u nesvijest, a na vrata ulazi ravnatelj škole:"U pičku materinu, još nikad nisam vidio takav kaos." Suzuki: "Premijer Hrvatske, ministru financija prilikom predstavljanja državnog proračuna, Zagreb, 2006."

Ispit

Na prijemnom ispitu, a gdje bi drugo, već na sarajevskoj Likovnoj Akademiji, pred kandidate su postavljene tri slike: a) IZGOREN KRUH b) UTOPLJEN ČOVJEK c) TRUDNA ZENA Zadatak je bio pronaći (samo) dvije riječi koje su karakteristične za sve tri slike! Ispit je polozila jedna djevojka... Napisala je: kasno izvađen!

Javna kuća

Dolazi inspekcija u školu,a učiteljica sva uplašena da Ivica nebi rekao kakvu glupost kaže djevojćicama da ako on kaže neku glupost svi istrče van. Postavljala inspekcija razna pitanja i na kraju pita inspektor:"Djeco, znali netko šta se zida ovo preko puta vaše škole?" -Ja znam, javi se mali perica -šta Perice?? Javna kuća, kaže Perica Djevojćice počnu vrišta i počni bježat van, a Perica če: STANITE KURVE, TEK SU TEMELJE NAPRAVILI...

dlake

Piše učiteljica kredom po ploči desnom rukom. Mali Ivica se odjednom zadere: - "Učiteljica nema nijedne dlake ispod desnog pazuha." Ona se naljuti i reče mu: - "Kupi stvari i da se nisi pojavio u školi tjedan dana." Prošlo tjedan dana, učiteljica opet piše desnom rukom i u jednom momentu podigne lijevu da se počeše po glavi. Mali Ivica se opet zadere: - "Učiteljica nema nijedne dlake ispod lijevog pazuha." Učiteljica se naljuti još više i reče mu: - "Kupi stvari i ne želim te vidjet u razredu mjesec dana." Prošlo tako i mjesec dana, Ivica se vrati i opet gleda učiteljicu kako piše. Toga dana nosila je kratku minicu. Odjednom joj ispadne kreda i ona je podigne. U istom momentu Ivica počne pakirati stvari. - "Kamo ćeš ti", upita ga učiteljica. Na to će Ivica: - "Za mene je ova školska godina završena."

test

Došao Ivicin tata na informacije i kaže njemu nastavnica: - "Vaš sin je cijeli test prepisao od najbolje učenice u razredu!" Pita nju tata: - "A kako znate da je Ivica od nje prepisao test, a ne ona od njega?" - "Znam tako što su im prva tri odgovora jednaka, a u četvrtom je ona napisala ne znam, a Ivica je napisao ni ja!"